I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
