Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
