im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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