I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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