My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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