I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
