Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
