My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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