So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
