3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize