oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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