gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
