I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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