my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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