He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
