dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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