I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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