There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
