when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
