Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
