The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
