It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
