I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
