textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
