Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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