im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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