"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.