Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.