Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.