worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates