i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
