T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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