can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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