New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.