I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
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That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.