we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway