so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
