You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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