Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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