Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
