she kept yelling 'call me bella'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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