I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
