epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
