Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
