Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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