he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
