U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.