Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
