I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I FOUND THE LEGS
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
