After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
