Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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