just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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