After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
