i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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