omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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