I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
