I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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