I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
