Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
