kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
